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Actor's Spouses Anonymous Anyone?

There seems to be a support group for just about everything these days.  You've got your tried-and-true AA and your NA (Narcotics Anonymous).  You can find support for parenting and even for vegetarianism.  (It's true.  I went to a site and it seems that some feel nagged a lot by their parents for possibly being anemic.  Hmmm.)

I think I need to start a support group.  Nothing heavy, nothing worth bringing a box of tissues to, it's just that my husband is an actor and I feel like I need to talk to other spouses of actors.  Watching your husband kiss other women isn't always easy.

I've heard enough actors tell me "But he's "acting".  He's not being himself, he's his character."  Right, right.  I get that. But can't I just hear one person honestly tell me, "I get it.  It is weird.  And I understand why it can be hard to balance between your brain and your heart." 

When he leaves for the theater my inner voice is saying "Enjoy kissing so-and-so while I... well... don't kiss anyone but you".  My actual words come out 'Break a leg'.  A much better choice all around.


(Updated 3/3/14)

A support group has been started on Facebook.  If you're interested in connecting with others who "get it" please join us!  Here's the link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/actorsspousesanonymous/


Please come over and join us :->


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19 comments:

  1. I can't imagine how hard this would be! I know what you are saying - it's not "for real", but still - it would be very hard!!!

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  2. I couldn't hack it! I couldn't have a hard enough time with my hubbie giving his girlfriends (Girls+friendS) a peck on the cheek.

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  3. My husband is also an actor and I have been wanting a support group for YEARS! I can definitely relate...and not just to the kissing thing. Acting is such an intimate thing emotionally and to know that I'm not part of that intimacy is often excruciating. And I find that no one really gets it except for other actor spouses/partners.

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    1. Is your husband still acting? Mine is an actor as well and you said this perfectly. This is exactly how I feel. He doesn't have to "kiss" someone for me to feel left out. I see there are only 19ppl on the Facebook page. I think I will start a Dallas Chapter where we spouses can meet up and chat in person.

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  4. Recently, my husband did a short film in which he did a "cut-away" bedroom scene. So it started with kissing...cut away - implied sex...back to the shot with them in bed, her laying on his chest. I saw that scene and just lost it. That spot on his chest is MY SPOT. I don't care that it's "pretend" (which, by the way, I think is kind of bull sh*t), it's MY SPOT. The head-heart reconciliation is just so so hard. You're not alone.

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    1. (Way beyond late with my reply - I apologize!)

      Makeesha, I get it! I completely get what you're saying. Is this something that you've shared with your husband? If so, how did it go over with him? This kind of discussion never ends with either one of us feeling understood. So frustrating. Therefore, I don't say anything. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

      The thing is, I don't want him to stop acting, it's something that brings him great joy and fills a need in him. If a part calls for any kind of intimacy I don't expect him to bow out, but I hope that he would just get one tiny bit of empathy as to why it makes me uncomfortable, and sad, and just say - and really mean - the words "I get it".

      Hold on to your spot :->

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  5. My husband is beginning his career as an actor as well. I am finding it EXTREMELY difficult to say the least with the possibility of him doing intimate scenes. I drive myself crazy, I find myself so anxious, angry, and depressed. I found that I can't talk to family or friends...and he only kissed one girl. I feel I need a group of people who understand what I am feeling. I don't care when people say 'he married you', it still really hurts to know that he will be sharing himself that way with other women. I get that it is acting, but the act of kissing is real, its happening and I hate it!

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    1. I hear you.

      And UGH! Hearing people say "he married you" - that drives me bonkers. My answer to that is 'Yeah, I know. However, you don't see me hugging,kissing,fondling, etc. other people. Just because my spouse is an actor that excuses behavior that would normally be understood as cheating?!' But the thing is, we can't say that. Spouses of actors are in a no-win situation when it comes to feeling uncomfortable or jealous. We are looked at as weak, unreasonable. I think the only sympathy we get is from fellow members of our group.

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  6. My wife did a play three months ago where at the end of the first act there was a kissing scene of about 20-30 seconds. While it was happening I just wanted it to stop with every ounce of my being. I went outside at intermission and broke into tears. It was just too much. For the next six weeks I felt, as others here have said, depressed, nauseous, angry, my heart was always racing, I was always on the verge of tears, I cried many times, I had no appetite, I saw a therapist, and I just couldn't stop seeing that awful image of her kissing another man. It was brutal. I started to settle down over the next few weeks, but I really just couldn't get my head around how an actor could do something on stage they wouldn't do off stage. My wife & I had a conversation last week that has been very helpful and I do seem to be finding some peace since then. She told me that when she is on stage, she is not in her own head. That to truly give herself to the part, she becomes that character and from the opening of the play to the break she is not herself and more so, the whole performance, including the intimacy, is only a blur in time. She is just not there while she is on stage. So I don't know if this means I'll be able to stomach this better next time, but I am hopeful. Like the comment above, it's always real to us and it stings deeply. In truth, I would prefer there is no next time. I am lucky in that she is willing to abstain from intimacy on stage going forward after seeing how hard it was for me, but I just don't think it's fair of me to ask that much of her. Maybe it would mean anti-anxiety pills for me next time. I don't know. I think a lot of married actors are married to actors and just have an easier time accepting how they give themselves so fully to the part. As a non-actor and someone who can't seem to help feeling possessive, it's just not easy.

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    1. Thank you SO MUCH for your honesty. I completely understand what you went through.

      Talking to your spouse is the best thing to do, and it helps big time if they are receptive to how crushing it can feel to witness them being with someone else, even if they are not in their own head when they're doing it. If they can empathize, I feel that's a positive step. (It doesn't make it easier to witness though!)

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  7. I found this blog and comment thread by googling "support group for partners of actors"...this is the only thing that popped up, and yet, it's so much of what I needed! The blog and the comments all speak to exactly what I've been trying to manage in my relationship with my boyfriend of one year. You all said some of the exact words I've said in trying to describe this very odd aspect of a relationship between an actor and a non-actor. Recently, I described it to my boyfriend as "It's a very lonely place to be." We're friends with a lot of his friends, who are all actors and who primarily date other actors. I don't know anyone in my position, and it can feel very lonely. I know this blog and most of the comments were posted over a year ago, but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank-you to all of you.

    And seriously...online support group, anyone?? :)

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    1. We get you! We understand. Support is here for you :->

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  8. I have no idea if this will be read by anyone or if this will go anywhere, but I decided to start a blog, that maybe can end up being a forum for all of us to support each other? It's imdatinganactor.blogspot.com...worth a shot, right?

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    1. Alyssa, good for you. Get your thoughts out there! This post has generated heart-felt comments and I've received many private e-mails on this topic as well. I've posted a slightly updated version of this post today noting that I'm going to start a support group in a forum. I look forward to reading your thoughts and getting our support group organized :->

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  9. Hi again! I commented a few months ago and am back again to let you know that a fellow actor's girlfriend has started up a support group on facebook for all of us in this unique role! The link to it is:

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/actorsspousesanonymous/

    Come join us for support, positivity, a safe place, and encouragement! :)

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  10. Hello,
    I am an actress and my husband gets extremely upset when I have to do an intimacy scene, sometimes to the point where I don't want to tell him because I know it hurts him. He thinks I don't care or don't mind kissing someone else but to me, the kiss is extremely platonic. During the scene I have to feel what my character feels because that's what I'm paid to do but after the camera stops rolling or I'm off stage, I shake my scene partners hand and say "good work!". Because that's what it is, work. And in everyone's job there is something you don't like to do and kissing, for me, is one of them, but I can't escape it, it's a part of my job. So please, don't be mad at you're spounces, they love you!!

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    1. I appreciate you sharing your experience. Thank you for taking the time to comment :->

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  11. Hi there,
    I too found this page by typing in support for wives of actors...it seems to be a point you reach when you just don't know what to do or where to turn! And so many people going through and feeling the same things. Is there a support group yet? Everything you have all written is everything I am thinking and feeling. It is simply too hard to force yourself to have the mindset of an actor/actress when you are not one yourself.

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