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Tuesday Truth - My Birthmark

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So self conscious.  So embarrassed.  I spent the majority of my youth obsessing over the birthmark on my back even though hardly anyone knew it was there.  I had the feeling that if someone saw this birthmark that they would never look at me the same way.  Once they saw me in the hall at school, or any where, they wouldn't see me, they would see my birthmark.  I had talked myself into this belief.

And the stress of shopping for bathing suits wasn't the dread of  "do my thigh look huge?' it was 'can you see it?'  No two-piece bathing suits for me.  And it seemed that ALL bathing suits in the late '70's through the '80's were bikini / two-piece swim suits.  And if they weren't, they looked like suits for o-o-o-o-older women (my age now, perhaps? ;-> ).  My closest friends were getting tired of my embarrassment.  So often they would say "Why do you let it bother you?  You're fine.  Who cares?!?!"  Which is sweet in a way.  But the thing was, I cared.

I wondered if I would ever find that special someone who would love me, birthmark and all.  I honestly believed that once someone saw my mark they wouldn't stick around.  I know that that sounds ridiculous, but deep down that's how I felt.  And to be completely truthful, even though I've been married just shy of 20 years, I'm still uncomfortable about Rob seeing it.

At the age of 21 I was at a retreat, it was an Edgar Cayce retreat/camp scene I went to with my friend who attended every year, and that was the first time I shared that I had a birthmark with a stranger.  This stranger was a leader at the camp and she told me,"Birthmarks are placed where you need to be the strongest".  She told me to sit up tall, reminded me to breathe, breathe deep, and believe this to be a positive mark, not a negative.  (Over 20 years later I'm still workin' on it.  But her words were so nice to hear.)

About the size of my hand, close to the middle of my back.  My birthmark.

Rob says it looks like a butterfly.

That's love.

Do you have a birthmark?  Something that made you self conscious?  How did you "get over it"?  Or, have you?

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2 comments:

  1. Oh my dear baby sister. I read your words and need to disconnect a bit to hear them as you request and not be protective.

    I have my "birthmarks" and scars. From my car accident that scarred my face at the very tender age of 16, one that is supposed to define you, Sweet 16, I have covered my forehead with my bangs to cover the scar that supposedly only I can see. Help’s to have an amazing plastic surgeon and multiple surgeries later I try not to remember. It still doesn't take away the inside scars we need to heal.

    The other surgery that altered my life in too many ways to define. I hold onto the fact that I have so many people who love me for me and not the scars, birthmarks or what I think isn’t right in someone else’s opinion. My family, friends love me for me. Scars, birthmarks and all. Others that don’t…they don’t matter

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