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It Would Be So Nice

When my child cries about not feeling she has a best friend my heart breaks.  I have tried so hard, for all her years, to help her understand what it is to be a friend.  I've opened our home to parties and sleepovers.  I've been the chauffeur, the baker, the 'what-ever-music-you-want-to-listen-to' mom.  However, she is a certain style of person and being with others is not easy.  She wants them to be around, yet she just finds it difficult to be with them.  She desperately wants people to come to her house but, when they are here, she prefers to play on the computer - alone - or be in her room - alone.  She's very comfortable and happy when classmates are at her house, she just doesn't want to engage with them. 

I was hoping by now she would find that wonderful friend that really "got" her, someone that accepted her unique ways and would laugh with her and help her feel better about herself, help her feel stronger.  Yet we are still struggling.  And I do mean 'We'. 

When I met her after school yesterday she had tears in her eyes.  She told me she had the courage to ask a classmate, who she felt had been distant, if they were still friends and he said "Uh, I don't know, whatever".  She asked if that meant "no" and he said, "Whatever, I guess."  Oh the deep discussions of 12 year old's.  Oh the clarity of their thoughts.  Oh how I want to hurt that little shit!!!! 

Ahem... *deep breath*

My daughter likes just about everyone.  She doesn't understand why people don't get her.

There have been various groups she's been a part of, sports teams she's joined over the years yet the lack of connection is still strong.  She has come so far with her school work, she is doing so well, that certain programs she qualified for since she was 5 aren't of use to her any more.  That's a huge success!  It's just the emotional support from peers that's missing.  And that can feel devastating.

It hurts so much when you know your child wants to connect with her peers, but she just can't.  I'm still searching for that magic formula.  I hope we find it soon.

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4 comments:

  1. this is just the hardest thing, I know I'll have to deal more with it soon since my oldest just started school. I just want to keep him in a safe little bubble. This must be really hard for both of you. it would break my heart too.

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  2. Oh man. I wish I had some wonderful advice for you guys. I do know that in middle school and high school that there are so many groups to join (at least there were around here), for so many passions. Shakespeare, photography, reading etc...maybe if she finds a group or three that she is really interested in then friendships will follow with others who have similar interests.

    I was never very good at making friends, I'm a big introvert! So I wouldn't have been joining any groups...but that is just me! I hope that she finds her niche and her happy!!!

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  3. I am in a psych seminar that I have been blogging about as it is an extremely challenging course. It puts me through an emotional wringer! BUT...I have learned that in order to feel connected with people, I have to be willing to put myself out there. It is difficult for most adults so I certainly wouldn't expect a 12 year old to know how to do this. But maybe encouraging her to approach someone she really wants to be closer to and saying something to them like, "I really like (fill in the blank) about you." (Hair, wardrobe, how they maker her laugh, personality...whatever.) That alone may spark something in the other person and the friendship may grow. Also, her telling the little shit (I would want to hurt him too!) how his words affected her may make her feel better. I know it is deep especially for a 12 year old but it may make her feel empowered? Just my thoughts.

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  4. We dealt with this for a long time, but my daughter (who is also 12) has reactive attachment disorder. She couldn't have a true peer to peer relationship until she bonded with me first. Once that happened, less than 4 months ago, then her surface relationships with other girls became real friendships.

    She even had a slumber party for her 12 birthday. It made me cry just to watch her be normal 12 year old girl.

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